From the Beginning
by CrowNoYami
Summary: There were a lot of things Dean regretted in life, things he had done that he wished he had gone differently. That he loved Sam a bit too much, wanted him a bit too close. After Sam left, pulling Sam back into this life wasn't something Dean had considered, but maybe it was something he needed: closure.


**Authors Note** **: This is my first Wincest fic… if I don't get the characters right, I'm sorry. This has** **not** **been edited, I will come back and edit it later. I am going to do everything in my power to make this a happy-ending story. It's only happy because of where I plan on ending it… so this is now and will remain a one-shot. If I don't get the characters right, please let me know so I can fix it as I have another Wincest story I plan on writing in the next few days.**

 **Warnings** **: Not Edited, Angst, Incest.**

 **Special note:** **This is from a dialogue prompt off a Wincest Facebook Group:**

 _"I never stood a chance, did I?"_

 _"That's the sad part – you did once."_

 **From the Beginning**

There were a lot of things Dean regretted in life, things he had done that he wished he had gone differently. There were hunts that had ended wrong, times he had been just a fraction of a second too slow and someone lost their life. He had been in fights he shouldn't have picked, been with women he shouldn't have slept with. There were words said and tempers lost, but the one thing he regretted above all else was the night he didn't do anything. When his brother told their father that he was going to college, Dean should have done something, said something; instead, he stood there and let their father tear Sam a new one because he wanted a different life, a better one.

For years Dean lived with the guilt of not doing anything, of watching Sam walk out that motel door with his backpack slung over his shoulder thinking that his family hated him. While he could have claimed that he had been frozen in the moment, that he hadn't believed that Sam would leave him it would be a lie. The truth was worse, Dean wanted Sam to leave. It wasn't that he didn't love his brother, that he didn't want Sam around, but that he loved Sam a bit too much, wanted him a bit too close. It was Sam's chance to go out there and make something of himself, to get out of hunting and be somebody. Somebody else away from Dean.

With the way they left things, Dean shouldn't have been surprised that Sam didn't jump at the chance to hunt again. It wasn't what Sammy wanted any more, and with a girl like Jessica on his arm, Dean couldn't blame the taller man. It had taken some convincing for Sam to come along on the hunt, just one hunt was all Dean would be given before Sam went back to his regular life. It was bittersweet working alongside Sam again, it was like he never left. When they pulled out their fake IDs, gathering the evidence or the case, even the way that Sam looked behind the wheel of Baby before he started to drive into that house, it was everything that Dean ever wanted, and he couldn't have it.

Gripping the wheel tightly, Dean chanced a glance over at Sam who was playing with his phone, probably texting his girlfriend who was expecting them early the next day. Dean knew that it was wrong, what he wanted. It was why he fought against it so hard when Sam was growing up, but now that Sammy was fully grown he couldn't help but admire the man a little. Sam had grown in the time they had been apart, more than just a few inches in height. There was a smile on the man's face now, his dimples in full bloom at whatever message he was reading, and it made Dean's palms sweat.

Adjusting his grip, Dean caught sight of a neon sign in the distance. It was late, and they had just finished up the case, it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility that they could catch a few hours sleep before Dean brought Sam back to his normal life. Just a few more hours and then Dean would have to leave Sam again, this time him being the one to walk away. If he could snag even a few more hours with his baby brother, Dean was going to take it. Opening his mouth, Dean tried to keep his tone normal, like Sam's answer didn't matter.

"How about we catch a few hours at that motel, I'm sure you want to wash off the crazy from that place before you go back to your girlfriend and I could use my four hours."

For a moment Dean thought that Sam was going to refuse, his jaw tensed slightly in his stubborn way before relaxing. Seeing the approval, Dean pulled into the parking lot, easily checking into the motel under a fake name and grabbing their keys. When they made their way to the motel room, Dean was almost impressed. At the rate being charged, he was expecting the cockroaches to be huge however the place looked half-way decent. There was still wallpaper, and furniture left over from the sixties, but it was well maintained, not a cockroach in sight. Having grabbed his duffle bag from the car, Dean tossed it by the bed closest to the door.

"Dibs on the first shower," Dean called, pulling out his toiletries bag and locking the bathroom door before Sam could respond. Stripping, Dean took stock of the complimentary soaps and shampoos, leaving the conditioner on the sink display for Sam before jumping into the shower and blasting it as hot as he could stand. Before long the room began to steam, the chill from being around spirits for too long starting to disappear. Quickly washing his hair, Dean ran his soapy cloth along his body while trying to push the thoughts circling around in his head aside.

Closing his eyes, Dean breathed deeply while centering himself. It wouldn't be long now, he could count down the hours before he would have to leave Sam again before he would once again be alone in the world. It had been worse when he was with their father when he had to pretend that Sam didn't even exist. At least when traveling alone Dean could talk to someone about his baby brother who was going to be a big-shot lawyer, even if it was only to a one-night stand.

Not to mention his other pastime.

With no father looking over his shoulder, Dean had found himself more than once checking out more than just the woman. It was a secret he would take to the grave if he had his choice in the matter, the fact that sometimes he preferred the hard lines of a man to the soft curves of a woman. It wasn't that he was in the closet per-say, but the last thing Dean wanted was for someone to catch on to his type of men. Every man he had found himself drawn to could have been clones of his brother. It wasn't hard to convince himself that he was doing it consciously; it was the late night, the smoke in the air, the booze. How could he have known what the guy looked like in the light of day?

Being around Sam the past couple days, Dean knew he couldn't lie to himself any longer. He was in love with his baby brother in a way he never wanted. It wasn't just Sam's body, which had become even more attracting in their time apart, it was everything. It was the way he laughed, the dimples on his cheeks, his sassy remarks, his floppy hair, his damn captivating eyes. Everything about his brother pulled Dean in, and there was nothing he could do about it. Shutting off the water, Dean clenched his right hand into a fist tight enough that he could feel his nails dig into his palm.

Nearly ripping the curtain in his haste to leave the shower, Dean didn't bother to shave before toweling off his body and hair before wrapping the damp cotton around his waist. Running a comb through his hair, Dean squared his shoulders before opening the door and stepping into the main room. Sam had his things out on his bed, waiting for Dean to leave the shower before he would have his own. Sam was smiling at his phone, looking up for a moment when Dean stepped forward. There was something in his eyes though, something Dean had seen more than once on people checking him out.

While he wasn't certain if it was lust or admiration that Sam had on his expression, Dean couldn't help but speak. If he was going to say goodbye to his baby brother for the rest of his life there was one conversation he needed to have. Not knowing what could have been would drive him nut, had been driving him nuts, and while it would hurt like a bitch Dean was no stranger to pain.

"That message from your girlfriend?"

Something must have slipped in his voice, as while he answered, Sam's eyebrows were drawn together, confused. "Yeah, she was talking about something a friend of ours got into this weekend. Why? You have something against Jess?"

So, there _had_ been something in his tone. Truth was, Dean didn't have anything against Jessica, except that she was probably going to end up marrying the man that he loved. Shaking his head, Dean reached into his duffle bag and drew out a pair of pajama pants for the night. Thinking nothing of his audience, Dean dropped the towel, his ass facing Sam. While he couldn't see the other's expression, Dean did hear the quick intake of breath from behind him. Pulling the pants over his hips, Dean turned around to face his brother. While he didn't know what he was hoping for, desire? Lust? What Dean saw shot right through him, disgust was written over Sam's face and it caused a bitter laugh to raise from Deans throat.

"Fuck Sammy, I never stood a chance, did I?"

Sitting down on the bed, Dean rested his forehead in his palms while he waited for Sam to catch what he was saying. It was all so confusing, and so damn hurtful to know that Sam didn't feel the same. it wasn't the taboo, Dean didn't give a shit what anyone else thought, but the rejection was going to kill him. Any minute Sam was going to call him a sick fuck and Dean would be lucky if the younger man would allow him to drive them to his perfect girlfriend, to go to his perfect school and get his perfect life, all without his freak of a brother.

"That's the sad part – you did once."

Jerking his head up, Deans wide eyes met Sam's sad ones. There was so much there, so many tells and emotions that Dean could read from his brother. Dean had spent a lifetime learning every little quirk of the man before him, how hadn't he known?

"Sammy?"

His voice barely a whisper, Dean wondered if Sam more felt the word than heard it. When Sam next spoke, Dean couldn't breathe. "I… I always thought when I was older… I mean you didn't really make it a secret that you liked guys, so I always figured once I was older, or once we were away from Dad that you would… that we would…"

Letting the sentence trail off, Sam took a breath before he continued. "But then I turned eighteen and we were still hunting with Dad, and you didn't change. So, I figured I would wait until I was out of high school, I mean after that I would be free game, right? But when I got my acceptance letter… you didn't say anything, Dean. I thought… I thought maybe we would go together. You could get a job in the area, one look at the Impala and I'm sure any mechanic would hire you on the spot… you could even hunt on your days off."

How long did Sam think about this? Dean couldn't speak as Sam laid out what seemed like the perfect plan, as his brother gave Dean visions of everything he ever wanted. While he enjoyed hunting, like most hunters Dean wanted out. Getting out wasn't an option with their Dad around, with him everything was about the hunt, about finding the demon that killed their mother. God, if he had only _said something_.

"It was stupid though, you know? I mean why would you want me when you could be traveling the country and hunting?"

While Dean didn't know what he was going to do with the new knowledge that Sammy wanted him, there was no way Dean would make the same mistake twice. Getting off the bed, Dean kneeled before Sam, placing his hands on Sam's thighs and looking up at the younger man. Sam was trying to hunch himself in, trying to make himself smaller, it was something he did when feeling insecure, and Dean would be damned if Sam did that because of _him_.

"Sammy, I would give up _everything_ for you. That night I was so certain that you were leaving me, that you might have seen what I wanted and that you were running. I swear, I never thought for a second that you returned my feelings… fuck Sam if I had known I would have run with you. I didn't… fuck _I didn't know_. I should have said something, have done something… but I thought by remaining silent I would be letting you have a normal life, a better life."

Chancing Sam's rejection, Dean reached his right arm up and gently cupped his brothers' cheek, trying to smile softly at the man. "I… God Sam, you have no idea how badly I want that with you. To have you with me? It's all I ever wanted. Please baby, can we… is it…"

Dean needed to know, while he couldn't voice the question on if it was too late or not, he knew Sam would understand. Those large hazel eyes considered his own, seemingly trying to assess how honest Dean was being. For once, Dean didn't mind being weighed like this, all he spoke was the truth. He would do anything to be with Sam, absolutely anything. Watching as Sam bit his lip, Dean wanted nothing more than to suck that lip into his own mouth. Unable to help his actions, Dean rubbed his thumb against Sam's bottom lip.

"Jess…" the name of Sam's girlfriend brought Dean back to reality. Of course, of _course_ , he couldn't have Sam. While he had thought his brother would have been better off without him in his life, Dean hadn't imagined that Sam would find someone, that he would love someone. Breaking eye contact, Dean started to move his hand away when Sam grabbed his wrist.

"Jess and I signed the lease together… there are a few weeks left until it's renewed." This time it was Sam who made a move, wrapping his right hand at the back of Dean's neck and leaning forward. For his part, Dean couldn't breath as Sam's face inched closer. "We've been together since second year, so you damn well better be willing to give your all into this, Dean. I get that we can't be open, especially since I introduced you here as my brother… but if you think for a second that I'm going to give up Jess just for you to fuck around, you have another thing coming. I'm not unfaithful, and I want _all_ of you Dean."

Dean didn't answer, instead, he closed the distance between their lips and leaned forward to being himself even closer to Sam. The kiss was tender, expressing how Dean felt, how deeply he loved the man before him. Rising so he could pull Sam's body against his own, Dean moaned as Sam tugged on his short hair and deepened the kiss. By the time they parted, they were both panting slightly. Dean opened his eyes to see that Sam's were blown wide in arousal, causing his own excitement to heighten.

"Dean…" Sam started, "I… I need to talk to Jess, Dean. She deserves to hear it from me before… we'll figure out what's happening for the rest of the lease… but I need to tell her first Dean…"

Smiling at Sam, Dean ran his fingers through Sam's hair, pecking the other's lips for a moment before nodding his head. "Yeah… after your interview tomorrow, you and your girlfriend can sit down and talk." Pushing Sam down on the bed, Dean watched as Sam bounced slightly on the bed before moving to the other side of the bed and slipping under the covers. For a moment Sam was confused before he grinned and pulled off his shoes, along with his shirts and jeans leaving him in his boxers before slipping under the covers beside Dean.

It only took a moment before they were curled around each other, Dean setting the alarm before switching off the lamp and wrapping his arms around his baby brother. With Sam's head resting against his chest, Dean had the chance to wrap himself around Sam completely in a way he hadn't been able to do since they were both kids. It felt good to hold Sam against him, especially as Dean knew there were going to be more nights with them surrounding each other in a way he never thought he would get.

"Sammy?" asked Dean, a hand rubbing Sam's back lightly. "Yeah?" responded Sam in a sleepy tone, his body relaxed and almost asleep. Grinning, Dean kissed the top of Sam's head. "After you break up with your girlfriend you might want to either send her away for the night or we can book a motel room because I plan on giving you _all_ of me the second you're free."

Feeling more than hearing the chuckle in Sam's voice, Dean closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep. Yeah, there were a lot of things Dean regretted in his life; loving his brother, simply wasn't one of them.

 **P.S. If you want to keep up to date on my writing add me to Facebook, Tumbler, Twitter or Instagram as CrowNoYami ;-) Also, if you want to see what I** **'m reading (I always review so you know what you're getting into) I'm on Goodreads as well, the same name as always.**


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